Review: The Trust

the trust movie poster 2016

You have to give Nicolas Cage (Face/Off) a fair shake. Just because he’s the direct-to-video ying to Steven Seagal’s yang, it doesn’t detract from his Oscar win or the balls out classics in his back catalogue. It doesn’t matter if most of his recent work is a bit trashy. You never for one moment get the impression he isn’t enjoying himself, and how many of us can say that about our day jobs? So stop clenching your anus the moment you see his balding head on the cover and start appreciating. Plus it’s a nice surprise when you actually find him in something that turns out to be good. Now is that what you gonna find in his 2016 adventure, The Trust? Well we’re gonna find out…

Trust Me, I’m a Doctor

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Review: Arena (1989)

arena 1989 poster

Two thousand years from now we’re gonna be living in space and watching aliens, robots and cyborgs kicking the shit out of each other. But not humans. In fact, there’s been no humie combatants in the Arena for nearly 50 years. Mainly because we suck compared to the rest of the universes’ badass warriors. Enter Steve Armstrong to change everything.

Deep Space Nine Meets Best of the Best

Review: The Great Wall

the great wall matt damon poster

I kind of felt that Jason Bourne, the most recent in the Bourne franchise, really didn’t explore anything new. It was treading the same old ground. Director Paul Greengrass should have changed it up. How about switch the location (how about China?), the era (AD 1000 sounds good), and instead of fighting corrupt CIA goons, why not pitch him against space aliens. Sounds like we’re on to a winner.

Chinese Starship Troopers featuring Matt Damon

Movie Bastard Hall of Fame: Norman Stansfield

gary oldman stansfield leon the professional

Gary Oldman finally got his Oscar. And a much deserved one at that. His turn as the plucky politician Winston Churchill in The Darkest Hour has finally netted him cinema’s most recognized award. But I don’t think it’s his most memorable role. Nor his best. Admit it – Oldman does his best work as the bad guy. And he’s played some of the baddest. Dracula, that dude who killed JFK, a rasta psychopath in True Romance, some crocked tycoon in Fifth Element, a crazy billionaire with a fucked up face trying to gain revenge on Hannibal Lecter. The list goes on. Yet he was at his most crazed, his most brilliant, in 1994’s Léon: The Professional

Death is Whimsical Today

Review: Léon: The Professional

Leon Movie Poster Jean Reno

Following the success of La Femma Nikita in 1990, “renegade” (as labelled by HBO) French director Luc Besson (Lucy) finally had the opportunity to bring Fifth Element, a film he’d been dreaming up on-and-off since he was a teenager, to the big screen. Hollywood studios were paying attention to the hot young talent, offering to back him up with fat wads of greasy green cash. Even genuine A-lister Bruce Willis (Die Hard) was saying he wanted to star. The only snag was Willis was knee-deep in one of the most productive periods of his career; he was booked up until 95′. So Besson decided to wait and in the meantime made a small scale “passion project” he’d thought up whilst shooting NikitaLéon was born.

No Women No Kids

Review: Shadow Warriors – Assault on Devils Island

Shadow Warriors Poster Hulk Hogan

No fear. No rules. No equal. Meet the masters: An ex Navy SEAL whose temper is dynamite. An undercover expert who is always dressed to kill. A demolition ace who has a talent for destruction. These are the Shadow Warriors, the leaders of a special operations unit spear-headed by Mike McBride (Hulk Hogan – Suburban Commando). They are a crack team who do shit your average GI Joe has zero percentage chance of coming home from. Only their next mission is off the books. It’s personal. With a bit of business mixed in…and one dudes retirement plan too.  

Read more of this shit, brother!

Review: The Shape of Water

Shape of Water Alternative Poster Midnight Marauder High Res

Despite the misleading title, the Oscar win, and all that soppy, emotional marketing, you’d probably be surprised to learn that The Shape of Water is actually a heist movie. It’s sees a motley crew of would-be thieves assembled to steal an unusual amphibious man held hostage in a secret 60’s Cold War lab. Can a mute cleaner, a Russian spy and a gay artist prevail against the might of the American government? Well you’ll have to read on.

Be Like Water, My Friend