Movie Bastard Hall of Fame: Norman Stansfield

Posted on by

gary oldman stansfield leon the professional

Gary Oldman finally got his Oscar. And a much deserved one at that. His turn as the plucky politician Winston Churchill in The Darkest Hour has finally netted him cinema’s most recognized award. But I don’t think it’s his most memorable role. Nor his best. Admit it – Oldman does his best work as the bad guy. And he’s played some of the baddest. Dracula, that dude who killed JFK, a rasta psychopath in True Romance, some crocked tycoon in Fifth Element, a crazy billionaire with a fucked up face trying to gain revenge on Hannibal Lecter. The list goes on. Yet he was at his most crazed, his most brilliant, in 1994’s Léon: The Professional. 

Death is Whimsical Today

Review: Léon: The Professional

Posted on by

Leon Movie Poster Jean Reno

Following the success of La Femma Nikita in 1990, “renegade” (as labelled by HBO) French director Luc Besson (Lucy) finally had the opportunity to bring Fifth Element, a film he’d been dreaming up on-and-off since he was a teenager, to the big screen. Hollywood studios were paying attention to the hot young talent, offering to back him up with fat wads of greasy green cash. Even genuine A-lister Bruce Willis (Die Hard) was saying he wanted to star. The only snag was Willis was knee-deep in one of the most productive periods of his career; he was booked up until 95′. So Besson decided to wait and in the meantime made a small scale “passion project” he’d thought up whilst shooting Nikita. Léon was born.

No Women No Kids

Review: Shadow Warriors – Assault on Devils Island

Posted on by

Shadow Warriors Poster Hulk Hogan

No fear. No rules. No equal. Meet the masters: An ex Navy SEAL whose temper is dynamite. An undercover expert who is always dressed to kill. A demolition ace who has a talent for destruction. These are the Shadow Warriors, the leaders of a special operations unit spear-headed by Mike McBride (Hulk Hogan – Suburban Commando). They are a crack team who do shit your average GI Joe has zero percentage chance of coming home from. Only their next mission is off the books. It’s personal. With a bit of business mixed in…and one dudes retirement plan too.  

Read more of this shit, brother!

Review: The Shape of Water

Posted on by

Shape of Water Alternative Poster Midnight Marauder High Res

Despite the misleading title, the Oscar win, and all that soppy, emotional marketing, you’d probably be surprised to learn that The Shape of Water is actually a heist movie. It’s sees a motley crew of would-be thieves assembled to steal an unusual amphibious man held hostage in a secret 60’s Cold War lab. Can a mute cleaner, a Russian spy and a gay artist prevail against the might of the American government? Well you’ll have to read on.

Be Like Water, My Friend

Review: Castlevania

Posted on by

castlevania netflix poster

Yeah, yeah, I know this isn’t a movie and that it wasn’t technically released in the cinemas or on any kind of physical media. But Netflix’s 2017 animated series, based on the classic ye-olde Nintendo games, is pretty much a singular film chopped up into four 25 minute easily digestible chunks. You’re gonna watch them all at once. So sit down, strap in, and get ready to find out about some dude called Trevor trying to kill some other dude called Dracula.

Read More Netflix-Vampire Shit

Review: Magnificent Seven (2016)

Posted on by

Magnificent Seven 2016 Japanese Poster

Gonna make an admission here folks – I’ve never seen the original Magnificent Seven. So while I spend a couple of years reclaiming my lost movie badass credentials, I can at least watch the remake and give you an honest, fresh opinion. Look at it this way; I’ve got no preconceived notions. No expectations. I’m not gonna run into it thinking it’s gonna be shit or that it’s an unholy blight on the original movie and all involved should be struck down by Almighty Zeus himself. I’m just gonna shoot straight and tell it like it is, like Clint Eastwood would do. Note: Clint Eastwood is not in this movie.

This is some Magnificent Shit right here