Review: Magnificent Seven (2016)

Magnificent Seven 2016 Japanese Poster

Gonna make an admission here folks – I’ve never seen the original Magnificent Seven. So while I spend a couple of years reclaiming my lost movie badass credentials, I can at least watch the remake and give you an honest, fresh opinion. Look at it this way; I’ve got no preconceived notions. No expectations. I’m not gonna run into it thinking it’s gonna be shit or that it’s an unholy blight on the original movie and all involved should be struck down by Almighty Zeus himself. I’m just gonna shoot straight and tell it like it is, like Clint Eastwood would do. Note: Clint Eastwood is not in this movie.

This is some Magnificent Shit right here

Review: Escape Plan

Escape Plan alternative poster

We  are obsessed with maxims of human ability; who is fastest, who is strongest, who is deadliest. And we’ve created proving grounds for each. The Olympics. Worlds Strongest Man. That program with Sean Bean’s brother from Lord of the Rings. Etc. But we don’t care about any of that. Truly, the only thing any boy or girl ever wants to be is the biggest action hero of all time. Undoubtedly it’s always gonna be Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone. You can argue about who fills that bronze spot on the medal podium all you want (the Lundgrens, the Eastwoods, the Seagals), but gold and silver is a done deal. So then the only real question is who would win between these do monoliths of violence. Lets find out.

Italian Stallion vs. Austrian Oak

Review: Outlander

Outlander Movie Poster Sweden

You can understand why people moan about Hollywood being creatively bankrupt when filmmakers start crossbreeding genres to create something vaguely new. But this shit is hardly endemic to modern times.  Take a dash of time travel, add some westerns and you’re left with Back to the Future 3. Vampires plus Gangsters equals From Dusk Til Dawn. Taken vs. Wolves gets you The Grey. All solid films, so get off your high horse you dick. James Cameron himself sold Aliens as Marines fighting Aliens to the execs at Fox way back when, and look how good that turned out. Surely then vikings vs. aliens isn’t going to be bad, right?

Vikings vs. Aliens

Review: Dune

Dune movie poster

When I was a kid I made a discovery. Like some archeologist stumbling upon a clue to a lost treasure, I came across a “boys” comics annual (like Hotspur or Action or whatever) that had actual photographs of chrome-armored baddies gunning down some people. This was cool for two reasons. One, chrome robots shooting lasers at people will always be badass. Second, back in the 80’s these publications never featured photos, especially not of outside properties. In this case it was a push for kids to star watching the original Battlestar Galactica series. But across from these photos was an ad for something else. Some weird film called “Dune“.

He Who Controls The Spice, Controls The Universe!

Review: Gods of Egypt

Gods of Egypt alternative poster

Considering the popularity of the show, you’d think the Game of Thrones main eventers would all be in decent films by now. But, John Snow moaned his way through the laughable Pompeii, then Daenerys misfired with Terminator Genysis. Maybe Tyrion will do better with his forth coming biopic on the guy who played Nik-Nak in The Man With the Golden Gun. Will his on-screen brother Jamie fair any better as leading man in Gods of Egypt?Let’s hope so…

Read More of This Egyptian Shit

Review: Law Abiding Citizen

Law Abiding Citizen Poster

You gotta admit that the American courtroom is now a familiar element of cinema’s vocabulary. Even as a non-US citizen I still know what Exhibit A-Z refers to, that it sucks to have your objection overruled, and that there’s always a surprise witness. 12 Angry Men, A Few Good Men, numerous episodes of Star Trek. You’ve probably seen it all too. But have you seen a defendant claim the judge takes it up the ass? Probably not unless you’ve seen Law Abiding Citizen.

It’s gonna be Biblical…