Review: Escape Plan

Escape Plan alternative poster

We  are obsessed with maxims of human ability; who is fastest, who is strongest, who is deadliest. And we’ve created proving grounds for each. The Olympics. Worlds Strongest Man. That program with Sean Bean’s brother from Lord of the Rings. Etc. But we don’t care about any of that. Truly, the only thing any boy or girl ever wants to be is the biggest action hero of all time. Undoubtedly it’s always gonna be Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone. You can argue about who fills that bronze spot on the medal podium all you want (the Lundgrens, the Eastwoods, the Seagals), but gold and silver is a done deal. So then the only real question is who would win between these do monoliths of violence. Lets find out.

Italian Stallion vs. Austrian Oak

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Bastards of Demolition Man

Wesley Snipes Demolition Man Simon Phoenix B&W

If you didn’t catch my last review (and why didn’t you?), Demolition Man pits badass cop John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone – Escape Plan) against meniacal bastard Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes – Passenger 57). Their old-school rivalry is played out on the streets of future LA, where everyone is too sanitized and pussy-whipped to intervene. But while you may write off Demolition Man as your prototypical 90’s sci-fi actioner, you’d best think again. Because like one of those M Night Shyamalan films, there’s a twist. See, Simon Phoenix isn’t the real bad guy.

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Review: Demolition Man

Demolition Man 1993 Movie Poster

Los Angeles. 1996. The Future. LA has descended into a shitty whirlwind of fire and crime, and the pen-pushers at City Hall are helpless to stop it. So when Super Bastard Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes – Blade) kidnaps a busload of hostages, there’s only one man they can send to bring his ass down. Send a maniac to catch a maniac. Enter Maniac Cop LAPD Sgt. John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone – Over The Top).

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Stallone returns…to sell you Warburtons Bread

Sylvester Stallone Warburtons The Deliverers

The Golden Age of action movies is certainly over. Yet the likes of JCVD, Schwarzenegger and other gnarled action legends are still kicking ass and working away at movie projects (such as Pound of Flesh and Maggie). But, if the heydays of the 80’s are over, you can bet your bottom dollar that the $30 million pay cheques are a thing of the past too.

It is no surprise that such movie behemoths turn to commercials for a quick buck. Now Sly Stallone is treating us to his own big fat slice of glorious exploitative advertising.

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Expendables 3 Trailer Drops into Battle

Expendables 3 poster

So Stallone and Co. recently released some black and white character posters for each of the Expendables 3 posse, and oh man has the team grown. While we still have the  A-list of 80’s badass icons from the original film (minus Bruce Willis), Sly has also thrown Wesley Snipes (Demolition Man, Blade), Harrison Ford (Indiana Jones, Star Wars), and Mel Gibson (Mad Max, Braveheart) into the mix, amongst many others. Hot off the heels of these artsy promo snaps, we’ve also been graced with a new trailer, one that promises plenty of merry violence and explosions to come. Oh my!

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Escape Plan Trailer

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Stallone and Schwarzenegger alone at last. Expendables was good but…expendable. The sequel was better. Their recent solo efforts were shit canned to the box office flop list but I can honestly say I enjoyed them. It was crazy watching Arn bodyslam someone a quarter of his age whom was trying to go all Jiu-Jitsu on him. I liked that little homage to Rampage Jackson.

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