You know, this was the first Batman movie I hadn’t seen at the cinema since Batman Returns. I was put off by all the negativity, the blatant fanboyism, and the fact that Man of Steel was such a dull mess. That’s right, I may have suffered Batman & Robin, but I wouldn’t suffer this. C’mon -even without seeing the trailers, it was obvious that Batman and Superman would make up, buddy up, and then take out some common foe. Yet, hot on the heels of Marvel’s R-rated superhero release, Deadpool, director Zak Snyder (300) chose to release an ultimate uncut edition too. It’s his definitive vision of the story, he says. And so, like Rocky or some other boxing movie character, I chose to step into the ring one last time. I’m a glutton for punishment.
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We spend a lot of our lives learning about what other people did. Scientists call this “history”. And while so much has happened between the time our Mother’s birthed us unto this wretched Earth and now, we still think as most things having happened a long, long time ago. Then someone cool dies and you realize that “Shit, I was actually alive at the same time as this great dude”. I bet someone had that exact same feeling when badasses like da Vinci or Wyatt Earp died. In this case, it’s sad it has to be Muhammad Ali.
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If you didn’t catch my last review (and why didn’t you?), Demolition Man pits badass cop John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone – Escape Plan) against meniacal bastard Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes – Passenger 57). Their old-school rivalry is played out on the streets of future LA, where everyone is too sanitized and pussy-whipped to intervene. But while you may write off Demolition Man as your prototypical 90’s sci-fi actioner, you’d best think again. Because like one of those M Night Shyamalan films, there’s a twist. See, Simon Phoenix isn’t the real bad guy.
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Los Angeles. 1996. The Future. LA has descended into a shitty whirlwind of fire and crime, and the pen-pushers at City Hall are helpless to stop it. So when Super Bastard Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes – Blade) kidnaps a busload of hostages, there’s only one man they can send to bring his ass down. Send a maniac to catch a maniac. Enter
Maniac Cop LAPD Sgt. John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone – Over The Top).
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Pre-2015, I imagine the question “you reckon renowned sci-fi filmmaker Neil Blomkamp (District 9) and legendary counter-culture Afrikans art rappers, Die Antword, will join forces to remake the beloved 80’s kids film, Short Circuit?” didn’t run through many people’s minds.
But like an insane accident in a parallel Star Trek universe, it’s somehow happened, and Chappie swaggered onto our screens in 2015. So how does it measure up to the rest of Blomkamp’s work, and most importantly, who’d claim supremacy in the robo-deathbattle of the ages – Chappie or Johnny Five?
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I know your pain. It’s Valentines Day and you know that you’re going to have to endure some crap like Sweet Home Alabama to get a whiff of action. She’s not fallen for the fake Deadpool poster, and she insists that Rocky is a boxing movie and not a love story. You’re screwed.
But I have a solution. Let’s find out why The Bodyguard might solve all of your problems.
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In 2014, the dude who made Babel, Alejandro Iñárritu, reunited Michael Keaton with his most iconic role as Batman in the fantastic Birdman. Now, he’s remade another 80’s classic, The Terminator, with Leonardo DiCaprio assuming the role as the unstoppable killing machine. Only this time, instead of being set in the present, it’s set in the past. And he’s not actually called the Terminator. He’s now The Revenant. But he has the same amount of lines as Arnie did, and he fights a bear, so it’s all gravy.
Bears, oh my!