If James (assistant director on the Matrix Trilogy) McTeigue’s 2009 Germo/Yankee film is anything to go by, the life of a Ninja Assassin is pretty tough. It isn’t all shuriken-throwing and disappearing-into-shadows badass glamour. They have all kinds of shit to worry about like rival ninja’s trying to kill them while they’re doing laundry or grocery shopping. And the pay is really poor– they’re still getting paid the same rate from 600 years ago. Inflation, it’s revealed, is not part of the ninja code.
It’s no wonder that ninja Raizo goes rogue.
Ninjas oh my!
Did you ever read that story about Robert The Bruce (that Scottish dude who betrayed Mel Gibson in Braveheart)? After some crushing defeat during the rebellion he ended up hiding in a cave where he began to think about jacking it all in. But then he started watching this spider who kept trying to crawl up the wall. It kept falling down. For hours it kept trying and failing until finally it got all the way to the top. This never-say-die attitude gave Rob the inspiration to continue fighting. I think this is why DC keeps making films. After the critically dire Man of Steel, Batman vs. Superman, and Suicide Squad, most people would have been saying enough was enough. But they didn’t give up. And it turns out it’s fourth time lucky for our old DC friends.
And all it took was the help of a good woman.
Cue the Wonder Woman theme
You could be forgiven for thinking a film called Fire and Ice would perhaps be something to do with George RR Martin’s Game of Thrones. But Fire and Ice, an animated movie directed by Ralph Bakshi (Lord of the Rings), actually predates the megaseries by nearly ten years. It’s a pretty basic story: the ice kingdom of the evil Nekron and the folk of Firekeep are at war and caught in the middle is Princess Teegra and the wandering nomad Larn. Yet we don’t give a shit about them or their world. No, what elevates this film from mediocre to memorable is one guy, one axe-wielding dude with a wolf’s head for a hat. Lets get together and talk about DARKWOLF.
Read more of this Icy Fire shit
In the business of making terrible movies, one way to guarantee success is to make films that people will still pay to see regardless of their quality. Enter Paul WS Anderson. Aliens vs. Predator, Resident Evil, Death Race. All preexisting IP’s with built in markets. Who cares if the movie sucks as long as the tickets sell? I still went to see AvP, despite the fact I knew it was going to make me bleed out of my eyes. Who is the bigger idiot? PWSA for making that piece of shit or me for paying to see it?
But it wasn’t always like this. Back in ’95 he started his major movie making career with an anomaly – a film based on a video game that was actually pretty good. It’s time to begin…
The nukes are coming, and the end of humanity is coming with them. Estimates project you have about 90 more minutes before the surface of the Earth starts to resemble Gary Oldman’s face in Hannibal. You’re left with one ultimate question: what is the last vampire love film you watch? The Lost Boys if you happen to like good movies or Twilight if you don’t. The choice is that simple. Or is it?
Enter Kathryn Bigelow’s Near Dark.
Vampire Shit Abounds Within
Captain America: Civil War is immediately distinctive because it doesn’t have “The” in the subheading. So is Steve Rogers third outing as slick, refined and cutback as the new title? Well, I’m gonna tell ya.
OMG it’s Captain America vs. Iron Man
Let’s face it, your girlfriend/wife/significant other isn’t ever going to light some candles, open a bottle of wine, sit down beside you on the couch and seductively say “Hey baby, lets watch a film called Kill Command“. No. This shit’s gonna have to be a solo mission.
Read More of This Robo-Shit Here