Review: Runaway (1984)

Runaway 1984 Movie Poster

In the near future robots are everywhere. And not bipedal bots that are out to kill us, but benign little service appliances that make our lives that little bit easier. Yet on occasion these machines malfunction and run amok. A special division of the police is formed to combat those “runaway” robots that act up with violent consequences. They are led by the veteran badass Sgt. Jack Ramsay (Tom Selleck – Quigley Down Under).

Magnum PI vs. Robot Spiders

Review: Kings of the Sun

Kings of the Sun poster

Kings of the Sun is unique for the time in that it doesn’t feature a single “white man” character. There’s no invading Europeans with their fancy coats, silver tongues and daggers behind their backs. But hang about you cry, neither did Apocalypto (excluding the end). Maybe so, but Kings of the Sun takes it to the extreme by having not one, not two, but three different tribes of natives all fighting each other. It is the Gangs of New York of Mesoamerican inter-tribal gang warfare movies. But unlike Apocalypto there’s controversially no actual Native American actor on set here. And the lead is a Russian?! Something sure is afoot.

Basically Yul Brynner as Native American Chief Badass falls for British/Mayan Princess

Review: Apocalypto

Apocalypto movie poster

There’s a common theme that re-occurs in a lot of movies about native tribes and indigenous peoples; typically their way of life is seen as simple but pure. We never see them worrying about paying their VISA bill or figuring out what to watch of Netflix, but then again nor do we ever see what they use to wipe their asses with. However, it’s typically the arrival of the dreaded White Man who spoils everything. His greed and cunning subvert and trick the poor natives until they’ve been swindled from their land or left to rot in shallow graves. Mel Gibson’s (Expendables 3) 2006 effort, Apocalypto, seeks to subvert this theory.

When I catch him I will peel his skin and have him watch me wear it

Review: Mohawk

mohawk movie poster

The Mohawk tribe of Native Americans have had a bum deal. First they allied with us proud British Red Coats during the Revolutionary War and lost everything when we made a “tactical retreat” back to old Blighty. Second, it must be pretty depressing to have a rich and culturally significant history so often mistaken for a hairstyle preferred by punks (the musical types) and Robert De Niro enthusiasts. That’s like reducing the historical contributions of Australia to mere advancements in barbecue technology. Hopefully Ted Geoghegan’s (We Are Still Here) 2017 low budget horror actioner Mohawk will do the good people some justice.

Mega Powerz vs. The All-Americans

Review: Windtalkers

Windtalkers Poster

It’s the Second World War. Nicolas Cage (The Trust) is Corporal Joe Enders. Fighting in some God forsaken jungle against hordes of Japanese killers, he’s tasked with holding some worthless piece of shit swamp no matter the cost. Degrading quicker than a Lars Von Trier movie, each of his beloved squad bite the dust one-by-one. “Lets bug out!” one marine suggests, nay begs. But Enders has his orders. It’s only when everyone around him are bleeding their guts out and dead in the dirt that he realizes that he should of sounded the order to retreat. Too late for that now, Joe, and a last moment kill crazy rampage (complete with manic Cage face) isn’t going to impress anyone. It’s only cut short by a lucky grenade that blows half his ear off.

Recouping after the failed op he’s promoted to Sargent much to his surprise. See the brass happen to think highly of a man who’ll condemn his brother marines to death in the name of orders. And they have a very special mission just because of it…

What a magical heap of Navajo horseshit

Review: Wind River

Wind River Netflix Poster Jeremy Renner

When a barefooted body of an 18 year old girl is found deep in the frozen wasteland of wintertime Montana by ace tracker/hunter/badass Cory Lambert (Jeremy Renner – Captain America: Civil War) the FBI is called in. Rookie Special Agent Jane Banner (Elizabeth Olsen – Captain America: Civil War) arrives as the vanguard of a potential team of investigators. But when the cause of death is ruled as exposure and not rape/assault as suspected, the FBI pull the plug, leaving Banner, Lambert and police chief Ben Shoyo (Graham Greene – Dances with Wolves) to track down the killers alone. You better believe it ain’t gonna be pretty.

Luck don’t live out here